Cascade
by PiOneOneZero
Summary: After receiving Mark's letter, Kathryn is ready to take her relationship with Chakotay to the next level but whilst he clearly wants more, something seems to be holding him back. Written for VAMB Secret Summer 2014
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: **The fic begins with the closing scene of Hunters, but substitutes the deleted lines from the Season 4 recap trailer (which is at **youtube dot com slash watch?v=9LghbXH7Zm0** at around 24secs if you haven't seen it).

Accompanying fiddle is here **pioneonezero dot deviantart dot com slash art/Cascade-480053282**

* * *

"How are you doing?"

So they were going to have this conversation after all, Kathryn thought. She'd wondered whether, after Harry's interruption earlier, Chakotay would have let it drop. Apparently he wasn't going to, however, and she wasn't really sure how she felt about that.

"Me? I'm fine". Yeah, he's going to buy that Kathryn, well done. She silently berated herself.

"You'd say that if you'd just had your legs torn off by a Trakan Beast. Look what you've been through in the last few days. We finally make a connection with home and then it's ripped away from us. We manage to make another enemy who's going to try and hunt us down and destroy us, and on top of that..."

"It's all right. You can say it. On top of all that, I got a Dear John letter. It wasn't really a surprise. I guess I didn't really expect him to wait for me considering the circumstances. It made me realise that I was using him as a safety net, you know, as a way to avoid becoming involved with someone else". Did she really just say that? She began to wonder where exactly her subconscious was planning on taking this conversation.

"You don't have that safety net anymore".

He was leaving the ball well and truly in her court. But he wasn't running out of the room, which she took as a good sign.

"That's right..."

There was a heavy pause, the air thickened by the weight of unspoken words, and the temperature in the room seemed to increase by several degrees.

"Kathryn... Can I ask you something?"

"Yes?" her voice broke as she formed the reply.

"When you say you were avoiding becoming involved with someone else... did you have anyone in mind?" His voice was almost imperceptibly shaky, as if he desperately wanted the answer and yet was afraid of what it might be.

She looked at him, incredulously.

"What do you think?"

"I see". He looked down then back up again, his expression endearingly shy but with a small smile. There was another long pause, as if neither of them was quite sure how to proceed. She sighed before continuing,

"We're both adults here, let's talk about this like adults. So what'll it be Chakotay? Indulge my feelings, hold fast to protocol, what?"

"We have plenty of time to think about it". She couldn't help the broad grin that spread across her face at his words.

The comm bleeped.

"Neelix to the Ready room. The party's about to begin and there are only two people missing"

"We're on our way", Kathryn replied.

He proffered his arm and she tensed with the thrill of the contact as she took it. They'd linked arms countless times before but now, it felt different.

* * *

Kathryn clung possessively to Chakotay's arm as they entered the messhall. Her heart was still beating somewhat quicker than normal - accelerated by the exciting potential that now lingered between them.

She accepted a glass of some sort of fizzy synthehol from Neelix, and thought about heading over to a small group of younger crew members that were gathered around one of the tables. Before she got the chance, however, they were intercepted by the Doctor.

"Captain, Commander, what wonderful timing - I've been researching Earth pastimes and I discovered on digging back through some of the ship's records that the crew of the Enterprise used to play a lot of poker together."

"Poker?"

"Yes Captain, it's an Earth card game..."

"I know what Poker is Doctor, it just surprises me that's all. The senior staff of the flagship of the Federation indulging in gambling."

"Ultimately, poker is a stimulating game which is about the ability to outwit your opponent. I believe the gambling aspect is largely to add to the tension".

"Especially if we play for replicator rations", Tom added from his position propping up the drinks counter. He was greeted by general murmurs of assent.

Kathryn glanced at Chakotay, who had pulled out a chair for her at the green baize table the Doctor had carefully arranged.

"You are up to the challenge aren't you Captain?" he asked with a raised eyebrow and provocative smile.

She sat in a deliberate fashion, kicking out the chair next to her and looking at him expectantly,

"I am if you are".

He sat, although looked a little nervous. Tom grinned broadly and took a chair, as did B'Elanna. After glancing over at Tuvok and thinking better of inviting the Vulcan to join them - after all who in the room could possibly have a better poker face - the Doctor beckoned Harry over and motioned for him to sit.

"So, the game is played as follows..."

* * *

"... and the rest of it we'll figure out as we go along".

"Well let's get started then". Kathryn appeared to have become much keener as the Doctor ran through his description of the rules - it seemed that her willingness to bend protocol was growing by the minute, to Chakotay's surprise and mild disquiet.

The Doctor dealt out cards to each of them.

"Ah I almost forgot". He fiddled for a few seconds with his mobile emitter and a translucent green visor appeared on his forehead.

The other five people seated at the table all stared at him.

"What are you wearing on your head Doctor?" Harry asked.

"I believe it's called a visor - people used to wear them to shield their faces from the other players so they could bluff more effectively", Tom commented.

"You seem to be taking this a little seriously Doctor…" Kathryn began.

"...well, Mr. Data always wore..."

"... enough said". Kathryn glanced at Chakotay with eyebrows raised, "As I said, let's get started".

She picked up her cards from the table and gave them an appraising look.

"I'll bet 2"

Beneath the table her fingers closed softly around Chakotay's arm, her thumb circling gently against the inside of his wrist. He shivered at the sensation and a shade of the response must have reached his face, because B'Elanna raised an eyebrow at him, then flicked her eyes to the Captain before continuing,

"I see your two, and raise another two."

* * *

It was several hours later when they finally decided to quit playing. Kathryn had a large pile of chips in front of her - it turned out she was excellent at bluffing. Chakotay glanced from the towering mound to his own meagre pile. He clearly wasn't cut out for poker, but Kathryn was so delighted at her landslide victory that he couldn't feel beaten for long. Someone was going to be well supplied with for coffee for a good while.

Everyone else had already left the table, and people from other parts of the room were beginning to drift off back to their duty stations or quarters. Standing up almost simultaneously with Chakotay, Kathryn guided him over to one side of the room.

"So, would you join me for dinner tonight?" The weight of the question hung heavily in the air. Yes, they had dinner together every week, but that was the regular scheduled Captain and First Officer professional dinner. This was "dinner", a new and nebulous concept that had no clear parameters. He swallowed.

"Yes. But I'll cook."

She reprised the grin from earlier - it lit her entire face and smoothed away the Captain's cares. It was truly wonderful to see, and a part of him was excited for what was clearly going to be their first date, but at the same time a thread of apprehension twisted his gut. Could they really take this relationship further? Were they ready? Could they make it work?

* * *

Chakotay retrieved dinner from the replicator and sat down at the table.

"Chakotay this looks wonderful. I always prefer it when you cook".

He grinned.

"Is that because when I cook it's edible?" His grin broadened into a devilish teasing expression that lit up his face. Damn him being too adorable for her to get angry.

"I'll let that go this once. But only because I'm in such a good mood". Kathryn took a sip of her wine, "Mmm and an excellent choice of vintage as well. Aubergine parmigiana, real wine… You really have surpassed yourself this evening - it's almost as if you're trying to impress me".

"Maybe I am trying to impress you". His look turned more impish. There was a nervousness about him, a hesitant vulnerability that was endearing but also a little frustrating.

She paused as she just took a few moments to really look at him. Her stomach was turning somersaults and she had no idea how she was going to be able to eat any of this delicious dinner.

She really was in love with him. It hit her, square between the eyes, and suddenly it was so obvious that she was questioning the intelligence of her former self. How could she not have known? Or even, how could she have known, but not acknowledged it?

She forced down a forkful of the meal, feeling guilty that she wasn't able to enjoy it as she should.

* * *

They finished eating over pointless small talk, mainly about the crew but carefully avoiding anything work related. The question of their relationship lingered perceptibly between them like the proverbial elephant in the room. She'd been hoping he would be the one to bring it up, but now they were sitting on the sofa with the dregs of after dinner coffee; just enough distance between them to avoid it being called intimate but certainly closer than friends.

"Well it's getting late and we're both on shift first thing in the morning, so perhaps I should go. Goodnight." He stood up and made towards the door before she realised what was happening. It took a few seconds of watching his disappearing back before she gathered herself enough to react.

She almost leapt up from the sofa to follow him,

"Chakotay, wait…"

He turned slowly, fixing his eyes on her as she moved towards him and pulled up a few inches short of invading his personal space.

"You said we have plenty of time to think about it… us. I don't think I want time to think about it".

He smiled - that smile tried to twist her into someone else; transported her to a different place, another time. She looked down guiltily, clenched her gut and prepared to fall backwards into the safety net of Mark, which always allowed her to resist him. And remembered it was gone.

In that split-second, as realisation hit her, she felt the wall between them crumble. Their relationship changed, in that infinitesimal fraction of time; hell, maybe even the nature of existence changed with the gravitas of it.

New eyes flicked back up to meet his gaze; she looked at him in wonder, as if she'd never seen him before. Unhurried, she touched his face, ran a thumb over his lips, his eyelids, traced the lines of his tattoo, brushed the salt and pepper dusting in his hair.

Then she kissed him. Slow, tentative, feeling the graze of his lips, softer than she'd expected and warm. When they parted willingly, his breath mingling with hers, she pushed into his mouth with her tongue, still leisurely in its sweeping exploration; allowing that first taste of him to linger - heat, spice and... Chakotay.

It was new and yet familiar; so very reassuringly him but more intense, more concentrated; like she had only ever caught the hint of his essence before and now she was hit by the full force of it. He was delicious.

As she rested her hands on his upper arms, one of his stroked over her hair, and the other ran down to the small of her back and pulled her flush against him. She gasped at the full body contact, every bit of him that was touching her firm, taut, male. It had been a long time.

His ability to be passive and allow her to set the lazy pace had clearly waned, and there was an insistence in the way he began to move his tongue against hers; she could feel his pulse rate rising along with her own, their two hearts pounding as one where their chests met. She only became aware that he was guiding her backwards when her back bumped against the bulkhead.

His thigh pushed forward with a bend of his knee; all she need do would be part hers a little and he would be pressing against her sex. Part of her urged her on, begged her to grind herself against him, answer her aching need. But another part of her was holding back, already a little afraid as she felt him beginning to stiffen against her - maybe it was too soon, too fast.

He must have felt her tense because he pulled back, broke the kiss and brought her head against his chest, both of them shaking, her arms grasping around his back. He stroked her hair until they both began to calm, planted a kiss on her forehead and said,

"Goodnight Kathryn".

With that he exited the room, leaving her with nothing to do but sink down the wall to the floor, legs unable to support the flushed soggy mess she had become. As first kisses went...

None of her previous ones even came close.


	2. Chapter 2

Walking onto the bridge the next morning felt strange. Not good, not bad, just strange. Kathryn hadn't been prepared for how her stomach would drop through the floor when she saw him, sitting there just as he did every day. The memory of that kiss was strong and insistent in her mind, threatening to turn her legs to jelly.

Seeing his expression, he didn't seem to be fairing much better. Were they being crazy? Was a relationship between them just going to be too much of a distraction?

Without a nano-second's pause, something in the back of her head stated firmly 'No'. Who knew how long it was going to take them to get home? Love with this beautiful, sensitive, heart-stealer of a man wasn't something she was prepared to deny herself anymore. Somehow they were going to figure it out.

"Chakotay can I talk to you in my ready room please?"

She wasn't really sure how to describe the look that washed over his face at her words - there seemed to be so much going on there. But the overriding emotion she could discern was fear. He was afraid.

The only way this was going to work was if they were both committed 100% to making it work. And she needed _him_ to be the one telling _her_ that they were doing the right thing. She couldn't handle having enough strength for both of them personally as well as having the strength for the entire crew professionally.

If she was honest, his hesitation was only making her want him more. Had she naively thought that the moment she proposed the idea of taking things further he'd be throwing himself at her? Either way, they needed to talk about this.

She turned towards the ready room door listening for any sound that indicated he was following her.

"Captain I'm getting massive energy readings about a quarter of a light year ahead".

"Report Mr. Kim". She reluctantly turned back towards Ops.

"I'm not sure Captain, but whatever it is it's covering a huge area of space - we're not going to be able to go around it".

"Tom, take us in for a closer look - bring us to within 100 thousand kilometres."

"Yes Ma'am"

"Janeway to Seven"

"Yes Captain"

"Transfer whatever data you have on this area of space from Astrometrics to the conference room and report there. We'll have a briefing in 15 minutes. Janeway out".

* * *

"This is a binary star system, home to eight planets two of which are class M. One of the planets is inhabited by a space faring civilisation, although they appear to be considerably less advanced than the Federation and I doubt they have the ability to travel outside of the sector".

"What can you tell us about the high energy phenomenon?"

"One of the system's stars is a White Dwarf which appears to have recently become a Type 1a supernova. This is due to matter falling onto it from the companion star over a period of time".

"So this is a cyclical event?"

"Yes Captain, once the explosion has dissipated the event would reset".

"I see. But surely the energy from a supernova wouldn't pervade over such a wide area?"

"Not under normal circumstances, no. Binary star systems of this nature are not unusual, but this one is unique in that the stars are embedded in a huge nebula. The high energy particles produced have reacted with the dense matter of the nebula resulting in almost total ionisation".

"An ion triggered cascade reaction..." Kathryn stared out of the viewport in wonder.

"How long will it last for?" Chakotay asked.

"It's hard to say Commander. According to my calculations the huge size of the companion star has produced a supernova of sufficient energy that a displacement spike has occurred".

"You mean part of the nebula has been liquefied!?"

"Indeed, due to energies well above the threshold displacement level, the ballistic phase of the reaction will last much longer than normally observed in supernovae - likely days rather than fractions of seconds".

"So what are our options?" Kathryn turned back from where she had been staring out into space, listening to them talk. Her tone suggested she already knew the answer.

"There is very little we can do Captain. Entering the nebula is not an option, we have very little data on the exact conditions inside, but at best every electrical system on the ship would be disabled by the ionisation..."

"That includes, I assume, our brain activity?"

Seven nodded.

"...At worst it would be akin to flying the ship into a fission reactor".

There was a long and heavy pause. Everyone appeared to be reluctant to say what they were all clearly thinking, Kathryn and Chakotay exchanged meaningful looks before the Captain finally said,

"So we're stuck here..."

* * *

"Captain there's a vessel approaching off the port bow. They don't appear to be armed"

"Hail them Mr. Kim"

"Channel open"

"This is Captain Kathryn Janeway of the Federation Starship Voyager. To whom am I speaking?"

A towering iridescent-green skinned alien with large gold eyes appeared on the viewscreen.

"Greetings Captain Janeway, I am Nil-es Bahk First Gan of the Inerian Royal Fleet. Is there anything I can help you with? Do you have business in our system?"

"We were merely passing through, Gan Bahk, but it seems we have encountered a little... obstruction".

"Ah yes, the Ion Cascade. Your timing is... unfortunate. I'm afraid you won't be able to leave the sector in that direction for around 10 of our solar days".

"I see. Perhaps then we could talk to you about trade?"

"I can do better than that Captain. Given your circumstances I would like to extend the hospitality of the Inerian Council and invite you and your crew to join us for a feast. We are a people who like to celebrate and it would be our honour to receive you".

"That is extremely kind of you Gan, I would be equally honoured to accept".

"Excellent. Please excuse me Captain, I must contact the surface to make preparations. We will look forward to your arrival in 4 hours' time - please feel free to make use of our space dock".

"Thank you again Gan. Janeway out".

* * *

Their first view of the Inerian Royal City was breathtaking. Towering spires of something resembling marble reached towards the sky. They had materialised in some sort of viewing dome that afforded a very favourable aspect across the sea of beautiful architecture.

After allowing them a few minutes to take in the scene, the Inerians who had been sent to meet them gestured towards a series of turbolifts at the side of the room. A short ride later and they arrived in a similarly stunning open and airy hall, lavishly decorated with delicate stone carvings. In the centre of the room a vast table was set for the meal.

"Welcome Captain Janeway to our Royal Banqueting Hall. I hope it meets with your approval?"

"Oh indeed Gan Bahk, it is nothing short of spectacular."

"Please let me introduce you to our council."

The senior staff were introduced to a raft of official looking Inerians before being ushered to their assigned seating. The food was all delicious - the Inerians appeared to be predominantly vegetarian which pleased Chakotay, and he took the opportunity to try everything on offer, asking the tall particularly green tinged alien to his left to tell him the names of each of the dishes.

The Inerian sitting next to Kathryn was slightly paler in colour and appeared extremely cheerful and curious about the Voyager crew,

"So I find it utterly fascinating that your 'Federation' ship is made up of people from different worlds and different races. I'm sure you must have realised that we are not as advanced as yourselves and that we only have contact with a few nearby planets along with whoever happens to be passing through."

"But you continue to make progress."

"Oh yes, of course, we have some very able scientists - perhaps I could interest some of you in a tour of our research facilities during your stay with us."

"We would be delighted".

The man turned to Chakotay.

"Commander, I'm particularly interested in your culture. You are from a very spiritual people not dissimilar to our own, are you not?"

"Yes, my people are very spiritual".

"But you yourself have not always been so?"

Chakotay looked at the man in surprise, "How do you know that?"

"Ah. Our people have an ability we have not observed in any of the other races we have met. Call it a sixth sense if you will. We sense things about others - impressions, images. It's a little hard to describe".

"You're telepaths? I must tell you, it is considered the height of rudeness in the Federation to read another's mind without permission".

"I do apologise Captain, but I must assure you we cannot read your thoughts and we have no intentions towards deception. Perhaps I should have mentioned this sooner but we are always wary of bringing it up with other races as it has caused... uneasiness in the past".

"Apology accepted. And I understand your reticence, but I think openness would have been better. However, let us continue - assuming Commander Chakotay is comfortable with the conversation".

"I have no objection Captain", Chakotay replied, although as the Inerian had rightly anticipated, he did feel a little ill at ease.

* * *

Once everyone had eaten their fill, the council members led the Voyager crew over to an area of the hall that was clearly set up for recreation.

Standing before something which looked akin to many thousands of gaming tables across the Federation, Tuvok looked down at the intricate arrangements of tiles before him.

"They look like pieces from an ancient Earth game called dominoes", Tom said.

"I do believe you're right", Chakotay agreed.

"What is the nature of the game?" Tuvok asked the nearest Inerian.

The man handed Tuvok a ball.

"You must choose the correct point in the grid to drop the ball - that is the one which will result in all of the tiles falling".

"I see", Tuvok squinted down at the sweeping tracks of standing tiles before him.

"It is like dominoes. At least like the old domino courses that humans used to set up. They'd hit the first one and the wave would pass along the track until all the dominoes fell. Well at least they would if the course was set up accurately enough", Tom commented.

"Ah, the challenge here is not in the accuracy of the course - the puzzle is laid by the computer. The challenge is in choosing the one point which will cause all tiles to fall with a single drop of the ball".

Tuvok was still staring intently at the table, waving his fingers above the layout, making a series of comparisons.

"Too difficult for you?" the overseeing Inerian asked, smiling, "don't worry it takes years of practice to learn how to spot the subtle signs that indicate the correct choice".

Tuvok leaned out and dropped the ball into one of the many slots in the clear cover over the table. The five other members of Voyager's senior staff that were gathered around the table all leaned forward as one to watch the chain reaction as the tiles began to tumble.

The tension was palpable as the course of the wave continued. At the moment just before the last few tiles fell, when they all realised at practically the same instant that Tuvok's choice had been the correct one, Kathryn's hand fell upon Chakotay's shoulder, squeezing gently - balancing herself as she leaned over from behind the others.

He glanced up at her with a smile, but she was too intent on watching the table to notice.

The last tile fell, as did the face of the Inerian.

"Remarkable", he exclaimed, "I don't believe I've ever seen anyone successful on the first try".

"Nothing to Kal Toh, eh Tuvok?" Harry asked with an amused smile.

After the initial shock, the Inerian smiled up at them.

"Would anyone else like to have a go?" As he asked this he tapped a few buttons on the console next to him and the computer sent down a whole series of metallic grabbers that intricately reset the table for a different puzzle.

"I would, but I suspect we'd be pushing our luck", Kathryn smiled.

"I'll take a turn". Chakotay's face was surprisingly serious as he volunteered.

Kathryn glanced at him in surprise. What was this all about?

The Inerian looked into Chakotay's face, then to Kathryn's, then back at Chakotay again with the smallest hint of a smile. He handed one of the small pale yellow balls to the Commander.

Chakotay's eyes narrowed as he focused on the table.

Behind his back, Harry leaned in to Tuvok, Tom and Kathryn, "Do you think he's got any chance?"

"I guess we'll soon find out", Kathryn answered with a raised eyebrow.

* * *

An hour or so later at one of the bars scattered around the central atrium, the senior staff were consoling Chakotay on his lack of success.

"You almost managed it Commander" Harry said encouragingly.

"Almost doesn't cut it though does it?" Chakotay replied.

"Perhaps we could take a little walk?" Kathryn asked him, gesturing to the pleasant, plant strewn walkway that encircled the large social area. She had no idea what had got into him, but she was determined to get to the bottom of it.

She offered him her arm and he took it. They walked together towards one of the staircases that led to the upper walkway. Ascending the stairs they took a few moments at the top to pause and look over the quite spectacular and beautiful building.

"This reminds me of looking down on the warp core", Kathryn let out a small laugh,  
"It's a lovely place but I'll be glad to be underway again. It feels strange to be on terra firma for any length of time".

"You aren't glad of the break?"

She looked at him at this question.

"I might be. We'll see how I feel after a couple more days. Perhaps the itchy feet will wear off with a little relaxation".

They resumed their slow perambulation, pausing every so often to look at the exotic plants that adorned the walk. At one of these pauses, Kathryn looked up at Chakotay and asked,

"What was that all about? With the game?"

"What do you mean, what was it all about?"

"Your determination to win it. I've never seen you competitive like that".

"I guess I just... I don't know really. It kind of annoyed me, the way Tuvok was just able to do it like that".

Kathryn smiled wryly and patted his arm.

"Are you seriously telling me that your ego was threatened by Tuvok?"

He looked down in an attempt to hide his embarrassed grin.

"It was wasn't it? Well I never had you down as macho Chakotay". Her expression was a mixture of surprise, confusion and a hint of amusement.

"I don't know really, I guess I just... wanted to impress you."

She laughed so hard she practically snorted.

"Chakotay that is incredibly endearing, but you're an idiot."

She continued walking and left him standing before a particularly colourful flower. He was forced to jog slightly to catch her up. By the time he'd reached her, an older looking Inerian wearing flowing robes had met them walking around the pathway in the opposite direction. He looked intensely at Chakotay for a few seconds before saying,

"Perhaps I could suggest a challenge at which you may have a greater chance of succeeding?"

Chakotay looked at him somewhat confused.

"If you would both come with me, I could tell you more about my culture and put before you what I hope will be an interesting proposition".

Looking to each other with surprised curiosity, Kathryn and Chakotay followed the Inerian as he led them away.


	3. Chapter 3

The Thulan, as he had told them was his title, led Kathryn and Chakotay out into a walled courtyard which contained some sort of water garden, with artificial pools laid out in an intricate pattern. There were water lilies and all kinds of other aquatic plants. It was really quite beautiful.

The Thulan motioned for them to join him at a triangle of benches which marked the centre of the garden. Around it was a mosaic-lined channel which was engineered in such a way that the water was flowing uphill on a series of carefully sloped channels.

"What you have seen of my world so far is the part which is very modern. But we are a people steeped in tradition and ritual. I am considered a sort of elder amongst my people – one who advises others on spiritual matters. I must admit to being fascinated by you Commander Chakotay - you who come from a culture similar to my own".

"I admit to also being keen to learn more about your planet".

"I am pleased to hear it. Tell me, your people have a ritual you refer to as a vision quest, yes?"

"That's right".

"We practice something similar, although we refer to it as Seeking the Path to Enlightenment".

"What does this - Path to Enlightenment involve?"

"Ah. Here is where my proposal comes in. I can do better than tell you about the ritual Commander. I would be honoured if you would agree to seek the path yourself".

Chakotay looked at Kathryn for a moment, then answered,

"Usually my people only go on a vision quest when they have a specific question or difficulty that they need an answer to."

The Thulan smiled broadly, "As do we."

Chakotay regarded the older man's calm and knowing face with confusion.

"Do you not have a specific question that you need answering?" the Thulan asked with a tone of surprise, "I suggested this course because I sense in you a deep conflict that requires resolution."

Kathryn rested a hand against Chakotay's arm, "Perhaps you should try seeking this path Chakotay. Who knows what you'll find?"

Both Chakotay and the Thulan glanced at Kathryn at these words, and after a few seconds Chakotay nodded,

"Alright, I'll give it a shot".

"Excellent. We will begin at dawn - you will need to choose a spirit companion to go with you on the journey. Get back to the festivities and take the rest of the evening to give some thought to who is the right person to accompany you."

Chakotay looked again at Kathryn as she turned towards him, love and hope shining in her eyes. She nodded at his unspoken question.

"I don't need to think about it. I'll take her with me."

This appeared to please the Thulan, and after standing he lifted the seat of the bench he had been sitting on and retrieved a matching pair of white linen outfits, handing one to each of them.

"Meet me here at first light and wear these".

* * *

The inside of the Thulan's cabin was like a treasure trove to Chakotay's anthropologist soul, his eyes feasting on the vast array of items adorning the walls and piled all around them. He longed for the time to catalogue them all, but as it was the Thulan beckoned for them to seat themselves on some cushions that were laid out on top of a rug in the centre of the room.

Chakotay smiled as he noticed there were some similarities in the style of decoration between this culture and his own. It instantly made him feel at home and more relaxed.

The Thulan took hold of both his hands, allowing their palms to press against each other's, Chakotay's facing downwards. After a few moments in what appeared to be a sort of meditation, he looked at Chakotay and stated,

"You are ready".

He reached behind him, retrieving a wooden bowl from underneath the table and placing it between the three of them.

He reached a finger into the bowl, collecting an amount of the stiff white ointment that was contained therein. He daubed the preparation onto Chakotay's forehead in a sweeping arc from temple to temple, before nudging the bowl in Kathryn's direction and intimating that she do the same.

"Is there any particular... pattern?" she asked.

The Thulan laughed slightly, "Whatever comes to you".

She began drawing on Chakotay's face, swirls and shapes; he tried hard to ignore the intimacy of the contact. After a time the Thulan stopped her. He appeared particularly intrigued by the last marking she had made on his cheek, but Chakotay had not been able to feel exactly what it was.

"Now, drink this", the Thulan commanded, passing a steaming wooden cup to Chakotay. He breathed in the steam, it was highly spiced, but when he sipped it there was also a strong flavour of something resembling mint, along with a more bitter taste that he couldn't recognise. Almost immediately he felt a lightening sensation in his body but it soon passed.

The Thulan handed a second cup to Kathryn, but there was no steam coming from this one. She drank it slowly, seeming to savour the taste before blinking a few times and then smiling.

"You are ready to begin your journey now", the Thulan said, and beckoned for them to stand and follow him to the rear exit from the room, "may enlightenment find you swiftly".

He raised a curtain and Chakotay gestured for Kathryn to precede him. The Thulan gently grabbed her arm and stopped her before turning to Chakotay.

"You must start as you mean to continue, young one".

Continuing to hold Kathryn's arm, he waited for Chakotay to step through. Looking somewhat reluctant, Chakotay was the first to step through the curtain then the Thulan allowed Kathryn to follow.

* * *

They headed off in the direction indicated by the Inerian elder. The footpath was roughly defined between undergrowth on either side, winding amongst trees. It was almost like a forest on Earth, but the plants were subtly different enough in hue to be obviously alien - faintly blue in colour.

As they walked, Kathryn reached down and took hold of Chakotay's hand. He glanced over at her and smiled, and yet again her stomach started doing somersaults. How could he make her feel this way? Like she'd never loved before?

She glanced back at him, his face looking disquietingly changed by the markings that she had made. She'd felt a little silly to be honest, finger painting on him like a child, but there had been a connection between them at the strange contact, even though she had been able to feel him resisting it. Why was he still holding back from her? If only she could be sure that he wanted her as much as she wanted him, but his reluctance left her uncertain.

Her eyes lingered on the final mark she'd made on his cheek below his right eye. She felt a slight burn of embarrassment rise into her face as the 'K' shape seemed to glare at her accusingly. What the hell had she been thinking? Marking him with her initial like some kind of brand – staking her claim?

She could only be glad that he hadn't been able to see what she'd written - certainly the Thulan had raised an eyebrow at the action.

Whilst she had been staring at him, he had likewise been watching her, and now he raised her hand briefly to his lips and kissed it. The shiver traveled all the way up her arm, but she was a little frustrated by the chaste gesture. Did her face betray her real desire? That he would grab her, shove her up against a tree and take her roughly? Apparently not. Sometimes she wished he would be less of a gentleman.

They continued to walk along the pathway, hand in hand.

* * *

The first indication that something strange was occurring came with a noise that sounded like a whisper. Chakotay instantly glanced around to see if he could tell where the noise had come from, but there was no sign of anything in the vicinity which could have caused it. He also realised quickly that Kathryn had heard it too, but neither of them had been able to discern what the voice was saying, if indeed it had been a voice.

They continued to walk, but the strange whispering continued and with it a wind began to blow. The world around them blurred slightly, but when Chakotay looked down at Kathryn her features were still sharp, and somehow more intense against the fading background. He tightened his grip on her hand.

The whisper came again, but this time it seemed as if the wind itself was speaking – and it spoke in his father's voice

_"Why are you here Chakotay? What are you searching for?"_

"Father!?"

Kathryn looked up at him when she heard him speak the word, and her hand moved to curl around his upper arm, palm resting against his bicep and squeezing it reassuringly.

The blurring around them deepened, and Chakotay began to see images of another scene overlaid with their surroundings. He squinted at first, attempting to work out what it was, but after a few moments it began to clear and he saw his Father sitting on the ground looking up at the sky. Next to him sat a smaller figure, a boy of about fifteen. It was himself.

Kathryn's grip on Chakotay's arm strengthened.

"I remember this", he said, "My father took us to Earth to witness the rising of the First Father as our ancestors must have done centuries ago".

Despite the warmth of the air, Chakotay shivered. He was cold, and his back felt cramped as if he'd been lying in an uncomfortable position for several hours.

"I remember what it felt like. I feel what it felt like. I know I didn't want to be there".

_"This is the beginning Chakotay. Do you remember?"_

The words didn't come from the man he could see, but echoed again on the wind. His father and the younger version of himself seemed locked in time, he could see them but not hear them and they were certainly not aware of him.

"I remember Father".

The scene swirled and was replaced by one of the two of them, along with about twelve others, trekking through the jungle.

Kathryn must have felt him stiffen at the recollection of what had happened next, because her hold on his upper arm shifted and her other hand rubbed comfortingly from wrist to elbow and back again. She hadn't spoken a word since the visions had begun, but just her quiet, calming presence was making the whole experience easier.

"I was afraid of snakes".

She looked at him now, questioning at the odd comment, but inviting him to continue.

"I guess it was just one of a myriad of ways that I felt like I didn't fit in at home. That I never belonged with my people".

He felt a hint of moisture welling in his eyes but he blinked it away. He turned away from the scene, not wanting to see the bloated snake stretched out on the forest floor. His head began to ache and an itchy sweat beaded on his skin where mere moments before he had been cold.

_"Listen to him Chakotay. Do you hear what he says to you?"_

Chakotay froze, stopping dead on the hazy forest path. A sudden ice had gripped his heart, a long forgotten and deeply painful feeling. Kathryn's arm jarred against his where she'd been unprepared for the sudden halt.

"I lied to him. I told him it was my idea".

Kathryn's eyes were on his face again, supportive, non-judgemental. There was an interminable pause before he continued.

"I lied to my Father and I don't even know why".

The vision before them lurched violently, causing a horrible wave of nausea to push through Chakotay's stomach and, judging by the colour her face turned, Kathryn was experiencing a similar sensation. The growing pressure at his temples began to throb.

When the sensation had passed enough that he could fully open his eyes again, before them was a windswept spaceport. The place was a bustle of Starfleet officers disembarking from a small group of ships that appeared to have just arrived. Chakotay watched his younger self walking across the clear sandy area in front of the docking bays and approaching a tall handsome officer in his mid-thirties.

There was another sudden change, as if someone had just un-muted the world and they could hear every sound from that other place, the wind, the roar of engines, the cries of birds from the nearby trees, the chatter of the new arrivals.

As young Chakotay raised his arm to shake hands with the man, captain as they could see from his insignia, something compelled the two of them to move closer and they stepped cautiously over the square, unsure if those from the other scene would now be able to see them.

Moving close enough to hear the conversation, it was apparent that they were still merely observers and Chakotay relaxed against Kathryn's ever calming contact again.

_"Chakotay! It's wonderful to see you again"_

_"Likewise Captain Sulu. I see you've brought quite a number of people with you today"._

_"Yes, we're stopping off on the way to a muster point. We have intelligence that the Cardassians are planning an attack on a planet about 4 light-years from here and we're to form part of the defense"._

_"Sounds better than going on a dull trip to the rainforest on Earth with my father. He wants to see where our ancestors lived but I don't see how it could be much different from here. My tribe spent years trying to find a planet like their land on Earth before coming to Trebus"._

_"Maybe in a few years, you could join us. Have you considered applying to Starfleet Academy Chakotay? I think you'd make a great officer"._

_"You really think I could do it?"_

_"I'm certain you could. Heaven knows we could do with more good officers if this war with Cardassia continues for much longer. So what do you say, shall I get you the application pack?"_

Young Chakotay smiled and nodded.

When the scene before them changed again, Chakotay turned away. He knew instinctively what was coming next and he had no desire to see the pain in his father's eyes. Now that he knew, now that he had been forced to remember that the decision to join Starfleet had been arbitrary, that it wasn't even his own and that he'd merely followed the will of a war-jaded Captain, the memory he knew would be awaiting him took on a new level of gut twisting poignancy.

It was Kathryn's firmly pressed hand on his lower back, willing him to turn around, that made him face that particular demon in spite of his reluctance. He was in time only to see his younger self dematerialising in front of his distraught parents before the vision was gone and they were returned to the blue-tinted forest of Ineria.

"What was that all about?" he asked Kathryn, although his voice had an ethereal, far away quality to it as if he hadn't quite returned to the real world yet.

_"Patience Chakotay. You can't find the answer until you know what the question is"._

He sighed.

"The Chakotay in those memories we just saw would probably have punched something if my father had said that to him".

Kathryn smiled and spoke for the first time,

"I guess that tells you that you've changed Chakotay. That you've grown". She raised a hand to stroke his cheek and he leaned into the contact, nuzzling against her bent fingers.

"It also tells me that there's still more to come. More to learn". He took hold of her arm, and they continued down the forest path.

* * *

_"Who are you Chakotay? Who do you want to be?"_

This time it was Kathryn who answered the ethereal voice,

"Nimembeh?"

Chakotay chuckled,

"Did he give you a hard time as well? When I heard from Harry that the old tightass had beasted him through the Academy too it made me feel a whole lot better about everything".

"He was hard yes. But not so bad on me. You know he was only hardest on those who..."

She was cut off as the roots of the tree below her feet snaked out and tripped her, causing her to fall painfully to the ground. Chakotay scrambled to help her up, and by the time she was back on her feet having inspected her injuries and finding them superficial, the roots appeared to have returned to their previous innocuous state.

_"Only you can find the answers Chakotay"._

Continuing to brush the dirt from her knees, Kathryn smiled albeit with mild exasperation,

"Well I guess that's me told".

Whilst this had been happening, they'd missed the woods once more morphing into another place and time, this one was a running track.

They watched in silence as another version of Chakotay completed lap after lap of the track, slowing with each additional pass as his feet grew more and more painful. As he ran, Nimembeh stood watching at the side of the track, and as younger Chakotay battled on, the expression on his face was a source of greater and greater astonishment to the older version. Pride.

"He was proud of me!? I thought he hated me".

Kathryn chuckled but didn't say anything, although she did offer a commiserating pat his to arm.

_"Everything you seek is here. You just have to know how to look"._

Chakotay didn't say anything else, but continued to watch himself shuffle around the track, the growing pain in his feet more than just a memory.

The fading of one scene into another was much more gradual this time around, and it almost seemed like he watched himself running over the horizon before he was looking at himself standing in his faculty advisor's office, nervously regarding the tutor as he peered at Cadet Chakotay over the top of the PADD he was holding.

_"I'm glad to see you've chosen the Command track Chakotay. I think you'll make an excellent leader. And I know Captain Sulu is also pleased"._

The younger Chakotay raised an eyebrow at him.

_"Since he sponsored you into the Academy it's normal practice for us to keep him appraised of your progress. Now, let's see what other selections you've made... You want to major in anthropology?"_

Chakotay recalled only too well the tone in the tutor's voice that accompanied this question. He could also feel Kathryn's eyes on him - she knew what he'd studied on his senior year, but they'd never discussed their respective stints at the Academy much.

_"Yes... Sir"._ The young man's reply was fearful and, out of the corner of his eye, Chakotay saw Kathryn move as if to stretch out a hand towards the nervous teenager.

_"Hmm, would you reconsider? You'd make an excellent pilot. I know piloting is competitive, but I'd write you a reference"._

Chakotay watched as a little bit of his younger self died in front of his eyes.

_"Put me down for piloting major sir"._

Kathryn's hand was back on his arm, stroking, comforting, which was just as well since the worst part of the scene was yet to come. Again, Chakotay's recollection of what happened did not totally mirror reality, because as his younger self exited the office the pleased expression he'd remembered in the eyes of his tutor was in fact one of disappointment.

_"This will be good for you Chakotay. You just have to allow it to reach you"._

"How can it be good for me when all you're doing is showing me everything I've screwed up?" he bellowed into the ever blowing wind.

"Is that what you really think?" Kathryn asked incredulous as once again they were standing on a familiar path in a familiar blue tinged forest.

He seemed shaken by the strength of her reaction, but she was already biting her lip against saying any more, remembering the firm chastisement she'd received earlier.

"I'm sorry. This is all dredging up some... stuff."

"It's alright Chakotay I understand. Let's press on."

* * *

_"Are you fighting for the right things Chakotay? The right reasons?"_

They smiled at each other this time as a voice wonderfully familiar to both of them whispered amongst the trees. In mere moments they could see him as well, mopping the sweat from another Chakotay's brow as he leaned against the ropes at the side of a boxing ring.

_"It all comes down to the heart. Do you have the heart for this?"_

Chakotay stared at the ring and watched his younger self, willing him to make certain moves, cataloging his own mistakes as his compatriot weaved and danced around the tall and bulky alien he was facing up against.

"The real fight is against your own natural human desire not to get hurt..." Chakotay whispered into the air.

Boothby turned towards the real Chakotay and Kathryn smiling. He reached behind him and produced a single rose, seemingly from nowhere, then reached out and handed the rose to Kathryn.

_"Look at you both. I can't help but believe this is destiny"._

Kathryn took the proffered flower and the vision spun away from them like a cyclone where the stem of it ended. The rose however remained, and she lifted it to her nose inhaling the beautiful scent which seemed so very real.

When Chakotay looked up they were back in the jungle again, but subtly different jungle from that which they had visited earlier. Yet another version of Chakotay shimmered into being before their eyes. Before him was coiled a large green and yellow snake that seemed to regard the younger him with a critical look.

Chakotay smiled broadly, and he could feel Kathryn's eyes on him again.

"I remember telling her I didn't like snakes and that I'd rather have something else... like a bear". He put an arm around Kathryn, pulling her into his side, "Right back at the beginning of our journey you said the same thing - that you thought it would be a bear. That was the first time I knew there was a... connection between us. That we were somehow meant to find each other."

"Your spirit guide", she replied, and there was an air of wonder in her eyes as she dropped her head and snuggled it in against his chest.

A familiar laughing echoed around the forest clearing.

"This was the first time I spoke to her. I was trying to decide if I should return to the Academy".

"You weren't happy there?"

"I don't think I was happy anywhere. I'd hoped joining Starfleet would be the answer to everything, but I felt as much like a square peg in a round hole there as I did at home".

_"This is your journey. It will be what you want it to be"._

"I was accused by many people of being contrary. My father always said it was because I was born feet first. The grass was always greener on the other side, you know. I envy those who know what they want and go for it".

He gestured towards where the snake, having just caught and eaten a fish, had curled up and appeared to be settling down to sleep.

"I would rather argue with myself than make a decision about anything".

The snake lifted its head and winked at Chakotay.

_"Head straight to the fall. When you get there you'll understand"._

This time the scene didn't fade but merely vanished. One blink and it was gone and they were returned to reality.

* * *

_"Is it love Chakotay? Does that frighten you?"_

The scene that greeted them this time was indistinct - Kathryn could feel Chakotay tense against her, but it was a new kind of tense unlike the understandable uncertainty he'd shown up to now. He was genuinely afraid of what was to come - and that fear was not lessened by the familiar traitorous voice that rang out somewhat louder than the previous ones.

She held on to him as he watched the mixed up swirl of memories dance across the backdrop of the forest. It was hard to make out exactly what was happening, but there was a lot of panic, phaserfire and death. Perhaps Chakotay's own mind had mashed these months, possibly years, of his life into a blurred hell. Maybe he'd blocked out the details to spare himself the full horror of it.

After a while he clearly couldn't watch any more - the sight of a huge Cardassian bringing down his foot towards the face of a figure lying prone on the ground was too much. Chakotay pressed his face into top of her head as he clasped her to him, hot breaths coming fast against her scalp followed after a few moments by a dampness as his tears soaked into her hair.

_"You have to forge your own path before you can walk it."_

He continued to cling to her, so Kathryn looked upon the final scene alone - set apart from what came before it by the sharpness of every detail.

"Tell me when it's over", his muffled voice pleaded into her hair.

Everything was burnt, blackened, molten structures twisted into abstract shapes that had their own horrifying beauty. A village had stood here, a community, and life had thrived but it was all gone. He had never really fit here, but it had been his and now it was gone.

She watched a vision of him walk away from the scene, head bowed, fists clenched and a determination of steel carved onto his face by pain.

The sound of singing heralded another change of scene, and Kathryn squeezed his arm to tell him it was alright to lift his head. It was sunset at a towering ruin beside a forest, and they watched as two silhouettes met each other - there was a palpable air of electricity. Kathryn couldn't explain how pain or loss tasted, but she tasted them in that moment as Chakotay and Seska purged themselves of the immediacy of both emotions.

"I trusted you and you betrayed me" Chakotay shouted into the air as the scene slowly faded to blackness before them.

_"It's all about faith"_

As the voice echoed away into the breeze, Chakotay glanced down at Kathryn, face filled with apology.

"I never expected to be getting advice from Seska again. And I'm not sure how I feel about putting you through all of this."

"I want to be here Chakotay. I need to be here as much as you do." She squeezed his arm again as she encouraged him forward.

* * *

_"Do you see now Chakotay? Do you know what you have to do?"_

B'Elanna's voice made both of them smile, and there was such an air of motherly care in it, more than they had ever heard from her.

The vision took them much closer in this time, much more intimate. They were staring at the left side of Chakotay's forehead, to Kathryn the skin was strangely bare, empty and almost alien. She reached out gentle fingers to touch it but the real Chakotay grabbed her wrist, gripping a little too hard as the first needle pierced his compatriot's skin. He hissed close to her ear as he drew in a breath through his teeth, gritting them to stop himself crying out in pain.

They watched as little by little the tattoo took shape, Kathryn holding Chakotay's head against her shoulder, stroking his face against the edge of the pain.

"Why did you have it done like this? You could have used a dermal pigmentation device and saved yourself the pain". She knew the answer, but she was beginning to understand now that a large part of this journey was for Chakotay to think about what had happened and the choices he'd made, so she wanted to hear him say it.

"It's the way my father had his. It just seemed... right".

Her hand reached up to his face and brushed lightly over the inked lines - she was very cautious as if she expected it to hurt, but he moaned softly as if her touch was soothing him.

She continued for what felt like hours until the process was over, and there the familiar pattern was on the younger face - bright, new and outlined with red inflammation, not yet softly faded into his skin as if it had always been there.

Snap. Running, fighting, dirt and grime, the smell of burning. Chaos.

_"You've just got to do your best. You can't let yourself give in to your fears"._

"I'm not afraid!" he screamed it this time, but he sounded more like he was trying to convince himself than anyone else.

They watched as a broken and desperate people tried to thrash out a living on the fringes of society, always moving, always fighting; driven only by belief and anger. They watched him try to lead them, try to keep them moving through the hopelessness.

The tears ran down Kathryn's face. She'd known, much of what the Maquis had gone through, but seeing it; seeing him, understanding so much more now how and why. She didn't have any words, so she just looked into his eyes trying to convey her sorrow, hoping that he could sense what she was feeling.

He pulled her tighter.

It was brief - she knew he'd been in the Maquis for years - had his subconscious pushed the memories away?

The scene that replaced it was much more familiar. Very familiar, the sounds as well as the sights.

_"At least the Vulcan was doing his duty as a Starfleet officer. But you, you betrayed us for what? Freedom from prison? Latinum? What was your price this time?"_

_"You are speaking to a member of my crew. I expect you to treat him with the same respect as you would have me treat a member of yours"._

He was smiling. Just smiling, eyes locked on the scene before them but he was far away - transported back to that time more than he'd been at any other point.

_"Who is she to make this decision for all of us?"_

_"She's the Captain"_

He lifted her hand from his arm, raised it to his lips and kissed it. Then he dropped it and walked away. Walked forward into the forest without her.

She let him go, a force compelling her to remain where she was as B'Elanna's final words echoed the end of this memory.

_"You're up against yourself. That's all you've got to remember"._

* * *

He was still in sight when the wind picked up stronger and the forest began to swirl again.

_"So what'll it be Chakotay? Indulge my feelings, hold fast to protocol? What?"_

When she heard the sound of her own voice, Kathryn's curiosity compelled her to move forward, although she kept back from him a short distance.

He appeared cautious. As had been the pattern over the course of the visions, the images had become even less distinct this time, more jumbled; like whole series of scenes overlaying one another, and moving in fast forward. The only thing that was sharp and clear in each of the images was her face. She was at the centre of every picture.

"I need your guidance Kathryn. I can't do this without you", Chakotay spoke to the ethereal voice and for the first time, it answered.

_"We'll face it together. You're not alone. You just need to find the answer and I'll be with you."_

"But I don't understand the message. I want to understand. I know I've made mistakes but I want to move forward."

_"The only thing that's keeping you from understanding is your own fear. Your fear of losing control. Your fear of the unknown."_

"You're right, I am afraid. I've always been afraid."

_"Fear Exists for one purpose; to be conquered."_

"I don't want to be afraid anymore. Tell me what I have to do Kathryn."

_"I can't help you Chakotay. You have to work this one out on your own"._

Kathryn listened to Chakotay talk in riddles with another her and suddenly she understood. She knew now what this was all about, and her stomach turned over at the realisation.

It was no longer a question of if their relationship would progress to the next level; but of when. And it seemed that the answer to that question was up to Chakotay.

Her other self was right - she had to let him figure this out for himself. She'd had more of an insight into the psyche of this complex and private man than she ever thought possible; a window into what drove him. She knew his deepest flaws and she loved him even more for them.

That experience had taught her the only way they could be together was if he came to the decision on his own. He had to believe they could make it work; that they should make it work. She couldn't decide that for him. Decide whether he could risk his weathered heart one more time.

"Kathryn..." He had returned to her side when he spoke, breaking her out of her reverie, "the forest ends just a little further along this path".

His smile was broad and there was a strong aura of peace around him as he took her arm and led her onward.


	4. Chapter 4

"What's that roaring noise?"

"It sounds like water – a river maybe"

"Sounds like a pretty fast moving river".

They moved as one towards the sound of the water, hand clasped in hand - despite the apparent end of the visions their proximity remained beyond their usual barrier, but they were so comfortable with it that neither of them appeared to have noticed. Their relationship was so easily falling into something more, and the tipping point was now mere inches away.

When they reached the bank, the reason for the abnormal loudness of the water became clear – away to their left the river disappeared over the edge of a precipice.

_"Head straight to the fall. When you get there you'll understand."_

"A waterfall". Chakotay glanced to his left deep in thought. As he stood there trying to interpret everything that he'd heard over the past few hours, a strong feeling compelled him to step to the edge of the water. It was quite calm and slow moving here, so when he looked down his reflection was as clear as looking in a mirror.

_"You can't find the answer until you know what the question is."_

He'd forgotten about the daubed markings on his face, but now the strange look the Thulan had given Kathryn made sense. Despite being in mirror image, the 'K' on his cheek was unmistakable.

When he looked up at Kathryn, who had stepped to his side whilst he was looking down, he couldn't stop himself from smiling. Her expression was one of mild embarrassment, but there was also a glint of hope in her eye, a glint that he realised had been there all the time but that he was only now able to truly see.

_"Everything you seek is here. You just have to know how to look."_

Once more he took her hand. She allowed him to lead her towards the waterfall, slowly and purposefully. Without uttering a word they both knew that this was the moment of truth.

At the edge of the precipice, a series of flattish stones led out from the river bank into the centre of the flow, to where a large boulder rested where the water began to fall away.

_"Do you see now Chakotay? Do you know what you have to do?"_

Afterwards, neither of them could remember clearly the short journey to the centre stone, but they had clearly made it. Finally he turned to Kathryn, both her hands held in his.

The second their eyes locked it all became clear; the truth washed over him like a turning of the tide. He stood here on the edge of something momentous - this woman was the love of his life, the answer to the question he hadn't known existed, and all he had to do was have enough faith in himself to make her his. To reach out and take what she was offering freely.

_"It's all about faith."_

He broke the silence,

"I've been so lost Kathryn. I knew for a long time that my life had become little more than a desperate search for answers. And I was a very frustrated and angry person because no matter how hard I tried, where I went or what I did I couldn't find those answers".

She rested a hand gently against his arm, "Oh Chakotay, love doesn't require an explanation". But she allowed him to continue,

"Up to now, there was only ever one decision I made in my life with any conviction, and that was joining the Maquis. Being honest, I only even did that out of anger and a desire for revenge - I did it for others rather than for myself. I've always struggled to make my own choices Kathryn - doubted my own judgement. Even the moment I decided to follow you was because I wanted someone to lead me, to decide for me so I didn't have to do it myself.

"But now, for the first time in my life, there's something I could not be more sure about. I want this. I want you... and I think it's what we both want".

He paused, cupping her face in his hands, gently stroking his thumbs along her jaw.

"It is what you want isn't it Kathryn?"

Tears welled in her eyes as she looked up at him, pride and love radiating from her face,

"Of course it's what I want. I stopped loving Mark so long ago I can barely remember what it felt like. It's only you Chakotay, it's been you almost since the day we met. But wanting and doing are two very different things - that difference has kept us apart for years and the last day has rammed it home. I think you realise the point of this whole quest for enlightenment now, don't you? I realised it a while back." She paused momentarily, searching his face for confirmation then continued,

"Isn't it embarrassing when an alien race you just met understands you better than you understand yourself?"

She glanced down towards the cloud of water vapour at the bottom of the falls, then looked back up at him,

"So Chakotay the real question is, are you ready to take the plunge?"

He took a deep breath, feeling a smile creeping unbidden onto his face as he formed his reply,

"I am if you are".

"Oh I'm ready". And she dived off the edge.

_"Fear exists for one purpose; to be conquered "_

He stared after her, the much faded voices echoing her question through his head,

_"Are you ready Chakotay? Are you ready? Are you ready?"_

And for the first time, he heard his own voice, strong and loud, replying with confidence, "Yes!"

With only a momentary glance towards the pool far below, he followed her.

He felt a dragging sensation in his stomach as he plunged toward the water below. For a second it was unpleasant; he was waiting, tense, for the impact with the water but then something from within forced him to surrender to the feeling and it was the most freeing thing he'd ever experienced. Suddenly, he wasn't afraid any more.

When the water did rise up to meet him it embraced him, and he swore that over the roar of the churning maelstrom all around he heard his father's voice.

_"You finally decided Chakotay, after all this time. You finally decided to live your own life."_

Turning himself over he kicked towards sunlight, freeing himself from his sodden trousers as his legs worked against the current.

The water was warmer than he'd expected, and once he'd reached the surface he looked around for Kathryn. She was standing in the shallow pool just out of the strongest current, water up to her waist, wet linen shirt sticking to her and accentuating her figure. She had also lost her loose slacks in the water, and they floated not far from where she stood.

"I'm glad you finally joined me" she said. There was a distinct air of seduction in her voice.

"I was only a few seconds behind". He grinned as he said this, playful and teasing, moving through the water towards her.

"You know what I mean Chakotay."

"Of course I do", he said and pulled her to him, the spray from the edge of the falls running in cascades down her face as he took a few seconds to drink her in.

Then, he kissed her. This time not waiting for her to lead him, but using the kiss to tell her how he'd finally made up his mind - to show her his choice in the brush of his lips, to commit to her with the caress of his hands, to wordlessly begin the story of them with the press of his body against hers.

The water continued to cascade down upon them as they melted together, washing away the bonds of duty and allowing their love to breathe, to grow and expand to fill the space between them, closing it forever.

She was so soft, so perfect, everything he'd ever dreamt and more. He felt her relax into his arms, submit to him for the first time and it was indescribable. What had he been afraid of?

His fingers twined in her hair, that beautiful auburn hair, which had the power to distract him from even the simplest of tasks. Now here it was for him to touch, to run through his fingers, and even wet and clinging to her skin it was divine.

His hands brushed lingeringly over her breasts as he ran them downward to begin undoing the buttons of her shirt, tight in the buttonholes of the wet material. She arched into him as he peeled the fabric away from her glistening skin and dropped his head to her chest, pressing his tongue into her cleavage. His thumbs circled and flicked over her nipples urgently.

Her moan turned into, "...Chakotay...", and hearing the way her lips caressed his name with unrestrained passion was startlingly erotic. He trailed kisses up her chest and neck, returning to her mouth for another taste of her, moist and yielding.

Pausing for breath he gasped into her mouth, "I love you Kathryn". The words came of their own accord, not planned or forced but just the simple truth. Too simple, too easy, too perfect. But still the truth. Had it really been this easy all along?

"I know". Her reply was filled with so much patient affection, but her hands betrayed less patience, running firmly down his back and gripping his tight ass cheeks, pulling him close against her. This time she pressed herself into the feeling of his hard length against her stomach, relishing it instead of pulling away. No more waiting.

"Tell me what you want Chakotay", she panted into his damp neck, hot breath branding his skin.

His mouth millimetres from her ear he whispered,

"I want to see how you lose control", and he thrust a hand between her legs.

She gasped and bit down on the sensitive flesh between his neck and shoulder, and he grunted at the pleasurable pain.

He explored her with his fingers, varying his pace and pressure, being guided by her breathing, learning what she liked. All the while she kept her mouth clamped against his shoulder working her tongue and teeth against his salty skin, as he kept their chests pressed together with a strong arm around her back.

He was muscular and strong, his cock steel hard against her thigh, fingers probing, teasing skillfully inside and out - good God he knew what he was doing. Vague regrets about how long she'd denied herself... this, were chased away by the next wave of sensation, building on the previous ones and she knew it was only a matter of time before the tower came crashing down in a glorious haze.

She vocalised her pleasure with a high urgent whimpering in the back of her throat, catching on each ragged breath. It was a very feminine yet primal sound that fast tracked from his ears straight to his groin and he found himself groaning in response.

"Kathryn, please look at me".

Her eyes snapped open and locked on his, dark and burning with raw sexuality. The intensity of their connection almost seemed to crackle in the air between them, tangible, lucid. He had never felt such an intimate bond with another person.

It lasted for only a second until her eyes rolled back, her head fell onto the surface of the water and she let out her unabashed cry of release to the sky, clenching around his thrusting fingers.

He dropped his face to her chest, kissing her softly, following the flush of orgasm as it receded up her neck until he found her lips. He nuzzled against her, gentle and tender - holding her against him as she trembled, breath rapid but gradually slowing.

It was tough to swim, hard and aching as he was, but somehow he guided her to the shallows by the grassy shore and lay her back on the edge, their legs still partially submerged in the warm water. Recovering slightly from the shaky weakness after her orgasm, she palmed his erection through the tight undershorts, eliciting a sharp groan as he twitched beneath her touch.

She pulled his shorts down as far as she could and he removed them the rest of the way; there was a new urgency in how she tugged at the material, a desperation that spoke of her need to touch him, skin to skin. Curling her fingers around his rigid shaft she began to move her hand slowly up and down, feeling the way the fever-hot skin slid smoothly with her; flicking her thumb over the head, watching his every muscle contract at the intense sensation; how hard he was; the pounding of his blood under her hand. His face contorted, and he struggled to speak,

"Kathryn... please, stop... I can't..." a pin prick of blood appeared on his lip where he was biting it to try and stop himself from coming right there in her hand.

With a long, slow stroke she took her hand away, tracing fingertips up his body, along the sparse line of hair that rose up the centre of his chest until she cupped the back of his neck. Then she pulled him to her.

Brushing her lips softly against his, she whispered breathily,

"Take me. Make me yours".

As their lips moved against each other he maneouvered himself into position, and as his cock pressed against her opening he could feel her hot and moist now that they were out of the water. A few tentative movements of his hips and then he thrust into her hard; she cried out as she arched up to meet him, wrapping her legs around his back.

Oh God she was slicker and tighter than he ever imagined she'd be, and he didn't know how long he'd be able to last. It was too much, being inside her after all this time, the unbearably delicious friction as he moved, the building pressure; so rapid, so intense. She knew, he could see it in her face as she watched him, soft eyes telling him it was okay and not to hold back any longer. The love he found reflected reassured him there would be plenty of other times to take it slower.

A few more strokes and he lost control; the explosion started in his groin and spread upwards until it peppered his vision with stars, disoriented him wholly; there was no up, no down, he even forgot his own name. Nothing remained in his world but white, hot ecstasy and a pair of crystal blue eyes.

* * *

Twilight basked the southern plains of the beautiful Inerian homeworld, so reminiscent of Earth, in a golden glow dashed with the blues, greens and pinks of the ongoing ion reaction.

The haunting cry of a bird akin to a hawk echoed from far above as Chakotay lay on his back with Kathryn nestled against his side, her head resting on his shoulder.

He watched the raptor as it lazily rode the thermals of this warm planet's lower atmosphere, and a broad smile slowly lit up his face.

_"Listen to him Chakotay. Do you hear what he says to you?"_

Yes. No matter where he went from now on, as long as Kathryn Janeway was with him he was home.


End file.
